The Uninformed Guide To Everything

Determining if you learn from your mistakes

2008-08-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

I think it was Janis Joplin who first said “We all make mistakes.” It still rings true today. To what mistake Dame Janis was referring, I haven’t the foggiest. But if we all looked back on our lives we could probably find one or two things we’ve screwed up, or that we regret doing. Some of the more astute readers might have noticed a mistake right in this paragraph. “We all make mistakes” was actually coined by Mickey Dolenz.

Some will tell us not to worry about our mistakes. But just as the elderly are the only ones who say “You’re as old as you feel”, those who tell you not to sweat the small stuff are usually the ones curled up in a ball under their desks at work because they accidentally called the new temp “Barry” when her real name is “Sandra”.

What you need with mistakes is perspective. When you accidentally called your third grade math teacher “mom”, it wasn’t the end of the world, although it did leave Mr. Grandy a bit flustered. The other side of the coin would be calling one of the big-wigs from Corporate “mom” and is slightly more troubling. Not only does it show that you didn’t learn from the Mr. Grandy incident in third-grade, but it may indicate a troubling psychological problem wherein you look to your corporate overlords as a motherly parental-guidance unit, working desperately for the hugs you were denied in your childhood years. (If your third-grade math actually was your mother, you must have had an awkward year.)

But that’s the key, isn’t it? Learning from our mistakes. You touch a hot pan on the stove as a kid and, theoretically, you should learn that hot pans are hot. But sometimes we keep curiously touching the metaphorical stove and ending up with very real metaphorical burns. Unfortunately, the metaphorical Neosporin is locked in the back of your metaphorical car in that metaphorical first-aid kit you always forget about.

So how can we tell if we’ve learned from our mistakes? Well, the easiest way is the “touch the stove” test. Think back to a dumb mistake that you’ve made. For the sake of this example, we’re going to be creative and say that mistake is touching a hot stove. Now ask yourself, “Do I want to touch the stove again? A hot stove is in front of me, do I touch it?” Take a minute to formulate your answer, and be sure to present it in the form of a question.

If you answered “What is no?” then you’ve effectively learned from your mistake. However, if came up with “What is yes, Alex?” then you’re a simpleton with no real sense of pattern recognition who can’t distinguish between Canadian-American television personality Alex Trebec, and an article posted on the internet. But we’ve got a great parting gift for you, namely second degree burns and unsightly scarring. Don Pardo, tell them all about it!

The other way to determine if you’ve learned from your mistakes, although admittedly more difficult than my first brilliant Nobel Prize winning solution, is what I lovingly refer to as “Situational Re-Create-Ment Immersion Determination Therapy” or SRIDT for short.

SRIDT works on the principal that putting yourself back in the situation that you first made the mistake, and charting your progress and your actions, will allow you to come to some sort of conclusion probably. This is easy to do with something like forgetting to close the refrigerator door, but markedly more difficult with something like forgetting to remain faithful to your husband while at a conference in Dayton. So as you can see, this solution really only works with towns closer to the west coast.

Hopefully by now you’ve determined whether or not you’ll touch the stove again, and whether or not you’ll go home with a Bob Evan’s waiter after eating an unholy amount of griddlecakes and getting sick in his shower at 4am. (3am is traditionally the appropriate time)

Walking and creativity: A winning combination

2008-08-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

I’m sure you’ve noticed, just as I have, how taking a leisurely walk really gets your juices flowing. Creative juices, that is. Something about standing upright and perambulating even the shortest of distances starts those wheels turning in the creative section of our brains, known as the Creatocortex.

Tens, even hundreds, of great ideas have come to fruition during the course of a walk. Maybe it’s the air moving against our faces; maybe it’s the freedom our butts enjoy when no longer being squooshed against a chair/bed/couch/bale of hay. Or maybe it’s both those things. Whatever the reason, walking sparks a creative catalyst that not even the crotchetiest of old men can deny.

The phenomenon, also known as Creatowalking, has shown many positive results in numerous controlled studies that I’m sure exist, and would gladly reveal the details of, were I not currently in the process of making them up. During Creatowalking, activity in the Creatocortex increases thrice tenfold. The effects of walking on creativity are so astounding and totally real that I am walking as I write this article. I’ve fashioned a bit of a computer harness out of duct-tape and summer-camp lanyards, with the keyboard taped to my chest, the tower in my backpack, the mouse around my head like a bandana, the CRT monitor dragging next to me on the sidewalk, and 5 inter-connected 100’ extension cords leading to a surge protector taped to my inner thigh. Even with the crippling weight and self-inflicted property destruction, I can feel the difference already, and I’ve barely made it out the driveway.

Creatowalking is not only a well known scientific fact, but a historically prevalent phenomenon. Thomas Edison, for instance, fine tuned his design for the light-bulb whilst sauntering through Central Park. Wayne Newton wrote “Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast” while on a quick jaunt to the Piggly Wiggly. Homer wrote 2/3 of the Odyssey while pacing back and forth outside a bath house, waiting for the employees to unlock the doors.

And don’t think it takes a long trek to spark the creative mindset. Benjamin Franklin dreamed up the printing press while searching outside for his pet squirrel. Dr. Dre composed The Chronic while bringing in the groceries from his 15 cars. Hell, Anthony E. Zuiker wrote the first two seasons of CSI while walking to the fridge to grab an Arbor Mist. Creatowalking is a part of our lives, and a part of our culture.

So go outside. Take a walk. And in the process, write the next three great American novels. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be walking to your car and you’ll solve the world oil crisis. More likely, though, you’ll be wondering if you need to buy cat food.

How to identify the computer geek in the office

2008-05-07T23:04:00.001-07:00

Many of you are what pundits and general ponces refer to as “technological imbeciles”, due not only to your complete lack of computer savvy, but also your fear, or possible refusal, to peruse through the latest edition of “SAP R/3 Administration for Dummies”. Don’t fret, though, there is another way. You don’t need to shell out the millions to get your computer fixed anymore, nor do you need to spend the time to actually learn anything about anything ever. All you need to do is chummy-up with the office computer geek any time you want to use them for their brains.

“But Andy,” you’re no doubtedly beginning to whine, “how will I know the office computer geek when I see him?” that’s a valid question, and rather than shamelessly plugging my “Guide To American Geek Spotting: From Dorks to Nerds” (now available on Amazon.com and at fine booksellers nationwide) I’ll simply give you the basics and leave you to your own devices.

The first step is finding the office geek. And to do this, you must know how to attract and lure the geek into an area where you can corner him and blindside him with questions about wireless LAN configurations. Just as you would lay a trail of breadcrumbs to lure a bird , or a trail of rose petals to lure the milkman, laying down a trail of RAM or blank DVDs will instantaneously lead the sought after geek right into your clutches.

The second step, and probably the most important, is to confirm that what you’ve led to your cubicle is, in fact, a geek, and not just something attracted to rewritable media, like a magpie. So I have included this brief pocket guide to differentiating between a computer geek and a magpie:

European Magpie
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Aves
Order: Passeriformes
Family: Corvidae

Computer Geek:
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: H. sapiens
Subspecies: H. s. sapiens

Once you have determined that you do, in fact, have a geek in your immediate vicinity, do not panic. Outside of the virtual world, the geek is virtually harmless. Do not immediately bring up your problem and ask him to fix it. Geeks are a skittish folk and do not react well to confrontation or questions. Your best bet is to mutter under your breath about how much you hate your computer and how no one has yet fixed your problem. The geek will respond to the challenge and immediately set to work.

There you have it, the easiest and most effective way to trap a geek, identify him, tag him, and release him into the wild. Hopefully, with the proper downsizing restrictions and a constant supply of new Windows builds, the office computer geek will remain a mainstay of our business ecosystem.

Is it good to laugh during sex

2008-05-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sex can be a wonderful, relaxing, passionate and loving experience. But one wrong move or misunderstood comment can make the whole thing awkward and sticky. A question like the classic “Is it in?” or “What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish there?” can ruin the mood quite quickly. The most controversial coital comment, though, is the simple and seemingly harmless laugh.

Laughing is often a sign of joy and whimsy, although in a sexual situation it can quickly be misinterpreted as being directed at your partner, and not simply near him/her. And nothing is a greater turn-off than thinking the person whose mind you were sure you had just blown with your prowess is now laughing at your technique. There is no faster way to end an intimate encounter, with the exception of finding genitalia that you simply did not expect.

Don’t misunderstand, laughing and joking aren’t things forbidden during close encounters. The key is context, or as it might be called con-sext. Let’s not call it that. Tickling? Good. Pointing and laughing? Bad. Proper laughing and joking around can help build a more satisfying sex life and a stronger relationship. The key is to feel comfortable with your partner. Don’t be afraid to take chances and play around. Just put yourself in your partner’s shoes before you make a funny, because lord only knows how badly it could be taken.

There is a limit to how comfortable your sex should be, though. Having fun is one thing, but you should look out for some of these warning signs that your sex is getting a little too familiar. If you’re discussing how your day was, and how the guy in the cubicle next to you was eating curry and the smell was bothering you, you should be worried. If the topic of your income taxes comes up at all during sex, you should be worried. If you notice that the drapes need steam cleaning, you should be worried. If, half way through, you forget that you’re actually having sex, you should be worried. And if you don’t even realize you’re having sex, when, in fact, you are, good lord should you be worried.

Another thing to remember is that, while laughing during sex is a positive thing in most cases, telling jokes mid-intercourse is not. I have yet to meet the person who will hear “Did you hear the one about the Rabbi and Cleopatra stranded in an elevator at Enron?” and immediately thinks “This joke is going to be such a turn on.” Just something to keep in mind.

So get naked, call in your partner, and have a good laugh. Just be sure you’re not laughing at them, or all your nakedness will be for naught. And no one likes wasted nudity.

Creative ways to wrap Christmas presents

2008-05-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Wrapping paper is boring. Gift bags are boring. Cellophane encrusted baskets are boring. And gift card holders? Sweet merciful Moses they’re boring. There are better wrapping materials out there that are so horribly underutilized it depresses the general public. What’s happened to resourcefulness and creativity? We spend hours shopping for the perfect gift and minute wrapping them in mass-produced schmaltzing paper. What kind of sense does that make? There has to be a better way, right? Well of course there is, otherwise this whole write-up would be mostly pointless.

The first obvious alternative is newsprint. Wrapping presents in newspaper is a last refuge of the cheap as old as time itself, probably. At least as old as newspapers. And properly done, it can be a boon to your gifting experience. The reactions on your recipients face will be priceless. “Oooh! A Gameboy and last week’s comics!” “Oooh! Foreigner’s greatest hits and a half-completely Sudoku!” “Oooh! Edible lingerie and a story about the fire downtown that took six lives! Thanks for balancing out my Christmas happiness Uncle Steve!”

The second alternative is the gift box. Now I know the gift box may be an old standard in the ways of gift-clothing, but there are many ways to update this cliché canister and make it your own. Try what I call the “nesting approach”. Take a small gift, like a ring or a stick of Trident, and place it in a box appropriate for its size. Then place that box in a slightly larger box. Place that box in an even larger box and so on and so on until infinity, or at least until you have a ring nestled deep within the corrugated cardboard bowels of a refrigerator box. Not only is it a great way to waste paper, but it does a fantastic job of getting people’s hopes up. The looks on their faces when they open the third or thirtieth box only to find another box is simply priceless.

Your next option is Biaxially-oriented polyethylene terephthalate polyester film, more commonly known as Mylar. For those of you who do not work in the business of the production and distribution of Mylar, it’s the material they make those shiny metallic balloons out of. It probably has thousands of other, more practical and interesting uses, but I didn’t read that far into the Wikipedia article. For those of you who have ever encountered Mylar, you’ll know it’s high tensile strength makes it damn near impossible to tear unless you’ve already cut a little notch to start you off, and then it becomes maddeningly simple.

Try wrapping a child’s gift in Mylar and watch with devious delight as they try and fail to rip off the synthetic trappings. Believe you me, it’s far more entertaining than any ABC Family made-for-TV romantic comedy about the meaning of Christmas you’ll ever see. If that analogy made no sense to you, keep and eye out for “A Biaxially-Oriented Polyethylene Terephthalate Polyester Film Christmas” coming to ABC Family this winter.

Whichever option you chose, know that something as small as locking your son’s Wii in a safe can really add new color to your Christmas wrapping experience. Just don’t do it with a puppy. Happy wrapping!

From charades to Cranium: Why we love games that make us act

2008-05-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

The circus! J Edgar Hoover! Bunker Hill! Marty Feldman! All these answers and more could be correct in a simple game called "charades"! Charades is a fun acting game loved by all of us except for those who are self conscious and refuse to act out things like "Dehumidifier" thereby becoming royal wet blankets. But other than those anomalies, charades is a classic time-waster. So timeless is the game that it's spawned many board games based on acting, the names of which I have neither the time nor interest to Google.

But what is it about these games that make us so ready and willing to try and act in a way that makes people think "Dr. Zhivago"? Why are we chomping at the bit to imitate Mounties? Why do we love to make silent asses out of ourselves for the sake of a board game? How many times can I rephrase the same question? Apparently 3.

The first attraction as far as I can reckon is the challenge of it. There is a moderate amount of brain-power needed to properly act out "anti-telharsic", and the difficulty in figuring out how to make your hands emote the prefix "anti" is quite attractive. Often people will practice at home, trying to figure out the best way to act out the most common prefixes and suffixes.

Another big attraction is the simplicity of the games. It doesn't take much of a learning curve to learn charades or its boarded counterparts. The rules are usually quite simple and the fact that little talking is needed makes it easy to bring with you around the world. The real challenge is trying to initiate a game of charades with those whom you can't actually communicate with, either through language barriers or general hatred. You end up trying to charade the word "charades" adding a very MC Escher feel to your life. Well done.

The final, and probably most effective reason, is our desire to see our friends and relatives make complete fools of themselves in a sizable group of people. I know it may sound cruel, but there it something about seeing your father doing his best to make a gathering of business partners yell out "Baryshnikov". From what I remember from psychology class, which is absolutely nothing, this is a primal instinct, going back to the days when cavemen would force others at club-point to dance like pansies for the general amusement of the tribe.

So that's it, from Charades to Cranium (yes, I looked it up) acting games are here to stay. Then maybe in the future there will be huge charades games over the internets, millions of people on webcams acting like Liza Minnelli. Isn't technology great?

Fast food dollar menus

2008-05-01T22:55:00.001-07:00

The new trend in fast food is the dollar menu (well, it was before certain people decided they knew better than us and started telling us what we can and cannot eat) At first, dollar menus seem like a great way to buy the fast food we know and love / petition against at a very low price. And it is. The dollar menu provides the same consistent and great tasting food for a friendly price. But it’s so much more than that. The menu in question embodies the spirit of America.

Think about it. The dollar menu screams “This is what I want. No more, no less. I want it cheap and I want it now… or at least in the next 5 minutes!” And who doesn’t want to scream that on occasion? No gimmicks, no fuss, just money for food. It’s a simple subliminal mantra that is sweeping the nation with its simplicity, subliminality, and mantracity.

But what affect will this have on our more formal restaurants? Will five star gourmets start selling $1 Kobe Burgers or “like it”, “love it”, and “gotta have it” sized glasses of Chablis? Will high class resorts offer you to upgrade your steak to a 12oz for only a quarter more? No. Those ideas are terrible.

But we will start seeing a focus on price and speed. What with McDonalds making a fortune on the $1 double cheeseburger, others would be foolish not to follow their business model. The real changes will show up in other fast food locales. A race will commence for the cheapest, fastest food. Soon you’ll drive up to Wendy’s shouting your order at the top of your lungs, circle around the back, and as you start to drive away they’ll shoot your food out of a cannon mounted on the roof. It will be up to you to position your car to catch the food. Those of us without convertibles or sunroofs will be at a serious disadvantage.

The time may come when fast food is sold for fractions of a penny over cost, relying entirely on volume to make profits. When that day comes, expect to see the Filet of Fish quickly disappear from the menu. Everything will end up on the dollar menu, and anything that is not will be seen as extravagant and will be counted towards the luxury tax.

How will this affect the quality of fast food? We may see a deterioration of quality in the smaller joints, but your average Burger King or Del Taco will not be hurt. As long as technology keeps advancing the way I assume it is, the quality will remain the same, as food storage techniques become more effective for long term freezing, and flavor techniques make even the oldest frozen beef patties taste like they were just defrosted this morning.

So, to recap, within the next few years, we should see fast food getting cheaper, faster, hopefully better quality, and fired from a rooftop cannon operated by that franchises mascot. All this is because of the dollar menu and the $1 double cheeseburger. Thanks McDonalds.

Thoughts about the "Girls Gone Wild" series

2008-05-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

Disgusting. Deplorable. Detrimental. Demeaning. Undignified. Delicious. These are just a few words starting with the letter “D” that could be used to describe the “Girls Gone Wild” series of video programmes (I understand “undignified” doesn’t start with “d” but I frankly don’t care). But among all the deviant sexual activity and debauchery (two more!) there is something more substantial, a message. Perhaps… a message of hope.

Let us first review the basic premise of any of the Girls Gone Wild video (from this point on we’ll be calling it GGW in a green effort to cut down on pixel consumption). A number of intelligent and well mannered upstanding young citizens, pure as the driven snow, are invited to a gathering of like-minded individuals. Drinks are served, and the guests are allowed to mingle as they see fit. Camera-persons are present to document the proceedings and are instructed to focus their artistic eye on the more heated of interactions. If any guests leave the collective to retire for the evening or possibly to relocate mingling to a more familiar setting, the documenters are encouraged to tag along and try to capture any engrossing and revealing activities. Simple setup, don’t you think. Oh, and there’s boobs. Lots of boobs.

Sure, the exploitation of drunken college girls, and the profiting off their temporary lack of inhibitions and desire for fame at any costs might be a little immoral. And maybe you don’t quite grasp their artistic vision, but look at the positives which they are giving back to the community. This is allowing the girls of loose moral fiber to be themselves for an audience wider than they’d ever otherwise have. The producers of GGW are shattering the stereotypical image of the town crotch as a dirty and diseased thing with no prospects than that which resides between her thighs. And they’re giving sexually curious girls a chance to experiment in the privacy of nationwide distribution and late night Comedy Central adverts.

But enough of all the wonderful things it does for the fairer and bustier sex. What impact does it have on men? GGW is an important educational tool for any young male looking to learn about the college, and specifically dorm-life experience. The alcoholism, the promiscuous sex, and the profiting off of students are all things any young adult planning to attend a two or four year school needs to be aware of.

I recommend you sit down with your son or daughter and watch a tape or two. Talk about your reactions and thoughts on the content, character development, story, and soundtrack. Be sure to encourage them to think about Girls Gone Wild and everything it stands for. You may find it brings your family closer together. The family that objectifies women together stays together.

The link between eating habits and college grades

2008-05-01T22:24:00.001-07:00

For those of us who attended college, we may remember the challenges of maintaining a healthy diet on campus. Frankly, it was impossible. And the “freshmen fifteen” soon became something we were lucky to have while praying we wouldn’t hit the “freshman forty”. And in the day and age where anything with the slightest bit of taste is forcibly removes and outlawed, the fear of students leaving in September svelte and lean, only to come home for Christmas fat and mean seems to grow each day.

But even with the fear of the deadly “obesity”, there’s a factor in this diet debacle left unconsidered. How, exactly, does a student’s eating habits affect their collegiate performance? Do they at all? What can we do to help? All these questions, and possibly one or two more, will be addressed in the following paragraphs.

Studies are released almost daily talking about how weight and diet play into every aspect of our daily and weekly lives. And most of us ignore said studies and continue the drive to Bob Evan’s. But for the college student, a balanced diet relies entirely on what pizza toppings they chose. Now one might say that ordering pizza on a regular basis would adversely affect a student’s GPA, but that’s simply just not true.

Compare daily pizza delivery to the alternatives. Were the student to go to the cafeteria instead, they would most likely eat food that was only marginally healthier and more nutritious than the pizza they didn’t order. Not a great victory. And the time it would take to walk to the cafeteria, go through the line, find a seat, eat the food, bus their tray, walk back to the dorm, have a smoke, hit on the tipsy girl sitting on the stoop, try to get her phone number, fail, and go back to his room could easily be spent studying. Time and effort spent eating right is time and effort taken from studying.

Now before you write me an angry letter, consider also the time needed to cook in his dorm. Unless he’s microwaving Ramen or eating Oreo O’s Cereal out of the box, he’s losing precious cram-time. Scientific studies that I’m currently fabricating show conclusively that the healthier a student eats, the more likely they are to end up changing their major to Hemp and spending their time protesting the US occupation of the United States.

So the choice is easy. Trash the turnips, forget the flax, and buy a Dominos franchise…for the children.

What to say in thank-you notes and cards

2008-04-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe you remember your birthdays from when you were younger, the toys and clothes and family gathered around as you tear apart paper like your puppy was trapped inside. But do you remember your mom forcing a pen into your hand after all the guests had left saying those dreadful words, “thank you notes”? And do you remember not knowing what to write?

“Dear Cousin Joseph,
Thanks for the Lego’s, I like Lego’s. Lego’s are fun. Thanks for the Lego’s.”

It was a disaster.

And now, as an adult with, quite possibly, an average level of maturity, you have to write more thank you notes than ever before. Thanks for the gift, thanks for the ride, thanks for the visit, for the advice, for being there, for coming to my party, for letting me come to your party, for the booze, for the bail money, for the alibi, for the kidney. It’s really getting out of hand. But you have two, possibly three viable options. You can refuse to send any thank-you’s at all, you can learn to write an efficient and synergized thank you note, or you can do something else, don’t really know what, though.

Since the first option, that of being an ass, makes you come off as, well, and ass, we’re going to skip it all together. If being a jerk is your goal, just do what comes naturally. The second option, though, of sucking it up and doing it right is something we can discuss. (“We” really won’t be “discussing” anything; I’m just going to talk at you.)

And effective thank you note has 4 parts. Firstly, you address the soon-to-be thanked. Something like “Dear Aunt Mable,” or “Grandma and Grandpa,” works well, while something like “Yo, what up mah bangin’ Grandmoms?” might not convey the love and appreciation you’re gunning for.

Second, jump right into the thank you. A simple “Thank you very muchly for the alligator skin pajamas,” will do. This isn’t a postcard from downtown Siberia, so there’s no real need for pleasantries and idle chit-chat. Besides, it’s damn near impossible to keep up small talk via Hallmark without one of you simply realizing you’re wasting your time.

Thirdly, throw one more line about the gift in there, and feel free to lie if necessary or fun. “I use it every day” works, as does “It looks great on the wall and doesn’t eat too much”. Try to avoid painful honesty, though. “I really have no use for it” isn’t great. Neither is “Still not really sure what the heck you got me” or “To be honest, it’s shit.”

Lastly, you need to close it up. “Sincerely” is ok, if not a little cliché and tired, and “Love,” works in certain occasions, although possibly not with your boss. “I don’t feel like writing more,” is generally frowned upon, as is “I’ll see you in hell you waifish hag.” Whichever you chose, though, make sure it’s from the heart.

Now, piece everything together into a nice, neat, thank you note. Hopefully this handy pocket guide to thanking people will come in handy one day and will prevent something like:

Yo, what up mah bangin’ Grandmoms?
How’s life? What’s the weather like up there? How’s your goiter? When did you get those new curtains? Did you get a haircut? Thanks for book on how to build a tachymeter. I really have no use for it.
See you in hell you waifish hag,
Micheal

Is it safe to keep your password on a post-it note?

2008-04-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

Look at your monitor for a moment; is it covered in sticky notes? If it is, subtract 10 points from your total score. Now gaze over the sticky notes. Do any of them have personal information on them? Credit card numbers, social security numbers, PINs, VINs, passwords, irrational fears from your childhood that still haunt you, and your waist size all qualify. Take off another 10 if any of those things are on your post it notes, and 20 more if the stickies actually indicate to which accounts and or sites that the passwords apply.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Post-Its are one of the most secure ways to affix notes to electronics, what choice do I have?” And you’re wrong for thinking this. Now, before I get any angry letters from the generous folks over at 3M, let me state that while the Post-It Note is a wonderful product, and I am in no way encouraging people to stop purchasing them. Not the case. However, Post-Its do very little in the way of information security. And it may surprise you to know that putting another sticky note on top of the original in an effort to shield its contents isn’t enough either. So just stop doing it.

The majority of Americans who write personal information on adhesive paper are doing this with internet passwords. This same majority may frequently subsequently find themselves puzzled as to how their coworkers got into their EarthLink accounts. Most passwords written and affixed to monitors are there because they’re too difficult to remember on their own. But difficult or not, unless you’re going to lock the sticky note in a safety deposit box which you then weld shut and express mail to the Urals, keep it off the Post-It.

Complex passwords can be remedied in two ways. Firstly, you could change the password to something a little easier to remember. Surprisingly, there is a middle ground between your last name with a “1” after it, and the UPC code off of a Coke. Here’s a simple, easy to follow, brilliantly designed breakdown:

Too Simple: brown1
Better: 73brown73
Too Complex: 9b7r0o6w5n

Author’s Note: None of those are my password, so don’t bother trying

Unfortunately, some work environments don’t allow the easier-to-remember passwords, or they don’t allow anything other than randomly-generated alpha-numeric gobbledygook. In a situation like that, your best bet is to write down the password and find a sneaky place to hide it. You could write it in the margin of a book you keep in your desk, or write it on the bottom of your shoe. Tattoo it to the nape of a coworker’s neck, or paint it on the underside of your chair. Be creative. Just stay away from the monitor.

Best School Fund Raiser Ideas

2008-04-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

The bake sale, the talent show, the “buy candy to save the school band”, the “buy wrapping paper to get a kidney transplant for the science room’s bet kookaburra, Steve”, and singles night in the teacher’s lounge. All these fund raising ideas are effective, but sorely played out. Don’t you think it’s about time we brought these tired education income sources into the new millennium? Well, regardless of what you think, it is.

School’s need money and citizens would rather buy out of season gift labels and cookies of dubious origins rather than just pay a slight increase in taxes. Go figure. But, be that as it may, the bake sale is born out of this payment distinction. But what with the rising concern towards fat kids, a school encouraging the sale of poisonous, artery clogging baklava could be accused of fat mongering. And that’s just the type of scandal that “The Morning Show with Bill and Michaela” would drool over.

Couple that with the projected success of a “celery stick, lite ranch dressing, and sit-ups” sale and you’ve got yourself in one dilly of a budgetary pickle. The simple solution? Sponsor a “Pies for Produce” swap. People come in, drop off their cholesterol inducing snack foods and lovingly baked confections; you give them a bushel of chickpeas in return, and charge them a Lincoln for the privilege. Expert tip: Save the baked goods you collect and have a bake sale the following weekend!

The next fund raising fiasco is the talent show / school band and or choir and or orchestra and or glee club concert. Sure, everyone loves to hear a group of prepubescent pipsqueaks croon the great Jewish holiday classics for the sake of political correctness, but you may find that your demographic is stilted. Honestly, only the relatives and the friends with inactive social lives will be crashing down your door. You have to spice it up a bit; play around with the repertoire. A Disney revue? How about Poison’s greatest hits instead? Christmas carols? Try an a capella arrangement of Trans Siberian Orchestra’s seasonal classics. The school band stuck on “chopsticks” and that song from the old “Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner” commercials? Try the Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass discography for inspiration (but keep the beef song, it’s a classic). Bring out-of-tune child musical performances to the masses, and watch the mad monies star rolling in. It’ll be pennies on the dinar, my friend. Pennies on the dinar.

Last, and certainly least interesting, is the “spaghetti dinner night”. I don’t know what marketing nimrod thought that bringing Prince Spaghetti night to poli-sci would be a big money maker, but I assure you it’s not. Why not a “cocktail brunch” or a “bring your own damn dinner night” or “stay home and microwave yesterday’s lo mien and watch a rerun of Doctor Who night”? At the very least get away from that damn spaghetti, because god help you if “The Morning Show With Bill and Michaela” get wind of your pasta party and claim that you’re killing our children with carbs.

So if your school needs a new Zen garden, or if you’re a principal just looking for some extra coin, an innovative twist on an old fund raising favorite can really get the punters pouring in.

Easy steps to encourage children to clean their rooms

2008-04-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

You’ve been there; walking down the hallway, when suddenly you pass that open door and for some instinctual reason you glance in, knowing instantly that you’ll live to regret it. Your (insert gender specific offspring-noun) has somehow summoned the demons of entropy into their room, and now the bedroom’s current state can only be explained by the popular theory that at random intervals in children’s’ rooms across the country, small Toys R Us’s appear and subsequently explode underneath the child’s bed. Yes, we’ve all been there (unless, of course, you don’t have children).

The kicker of this Lego-shrapnel assault on your little one’s floor is that, 9 times out of 9, you’re the one picking GI Joe grenades out of your foot as you clear the debris. There’s got to be an easier way, right? It’s got to be simpler for the miscreant responsible to clean the mess, right? No. No absolutely not. It’s never easier that way. But if that’s the way you chose to go, I suppose a little advice is in order.

There are two ways to coerce any basic life form into doing something: fear and reward. These two tactics work wonders, but strangely enough, fall apart when you attempt them concurrently. Rewarding a child with fear rarely succeeds, and making him or her fear the reward is not only needlessly difficult, but a simply preposterous notion. Just plain silly.

Let’s tackle fear first, as its more fun. There are two basic ways to utilize fear in child-coercion, and it breaks down to the two ways you make him or hear fear consequences. They can either fear your reaction to failing to complete a task set upon them (usually anger or disappointment), or they fear some bizarre and irrational consequence to their failure. Obviously, for someone with a vivid imagination and a twisted sense of humor, the latter can provide greater amusement.

For example, telling a child that you’ll be angry if they don’t clear their room is…blah. Sure, it might get the job done, but where’s the pop? Where’s the excitement? Now, on the other side of the same coin, telling your child that if they don’t clean their room, communist gypsies will steal their Nintendo? That’s got pop. That’s a keeper. Remember, it doesn’t need to make sense; it just needs to strike the right chords. Telling a child that if they don’t clean they’ll be grounded? Yawn. Telling them that a messy room will cause a recession in the global economy? Now that’s an incentive. (Too long; didn’t read? Summary: Lie to your children)

With that timeless debate settled we now move back to the idea of rewarding the child. It’s quite simply really. Here’s some simple maths to prove its effectiveness: Stubborn child + candy / money / puppy / some kind of candy-dog = obedient child. The real challenge is determining the proper reward. Money is a played out notion, so try and be creative. Try toothpicks. Might not seem like a “totally rad” reward, but if you market it right and say they’re…spears stolen from a preposterously small savage tribe, then you’ve got something.

Try promising them any toy they want, as long as it costs $5 or less (and wish them good luck finding one). Or you can go really sneaky and try one of my favorites. Promise them a princely sum for a decent amount of work, but, upon completion of their half of the deal, let the whole thing fall apart in escrow.

Tips for finding the perfect cell phone for your needs

2007-04-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

In today’s society, your cellular phone is much more than just a device for placing phone calls. It’s a calculator, a calendar, a text communicator, an internet portal, and email client, a camera, an MP3 player, a GPS navigator, an organizer, a gaming device, a personal assistant, a source of annoying ring-tones, and impetus for noising and overbearing conversations, a distraction in movie theaters, a rude interruption at a romantic dinner, an embarrassing indication of your closet ABBA obsession at an important business meeting, a convenient excuse to get out of painfully boring small talk, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend, a friend, a lover, and a convenient way for the government to track your every move and listen in on your most intimate conversations

With all these features to take into account, attempting to purchase a cell phone can be a one way ticket to a humiliating nervous breakdown while a part-time teenage employee at the Cingular store tries to figure out if it was the discussion of “rollover minutes” or the suggestion that you buy a Bluetooth headset that sent you into your spiral of hysterical sobbing.

With over 200 independent service providers (probably) and close to 7500 individual cell phone models and styles on the market (I assume), you need to make sure you know exactly what you want before you enter the store, or else you’ll be flooded with a sea of interchangeable faceplates and auxiliary car chargers. So do a little research, and see which features you definitely have to have in your phone before you even think about purchasing one.

And remember, if you don’t make the correct decision on a cell phone, you might end up with one that can’t run PowerPoint, and will only store the first 30 seconds of whatever song is on the top of the Billboard charts this week. And when your life gets to that point, you might as well go back to being a fetus and start all over.

When you walk into any cell phone store, the sales people will try and confuse you with talk of “service plans” and “overage” and other sorts of cell phone mumbo-jumbo. But don’t be taken in by their hoo-hah; don’t let them fool you. These kind of “technical” things are about as important as the price of milk in Dover (unless, of course, you live in Dover, and the price of milk in your home town is an issue of quite import, in which case, you can ignore that last metaphor). If the sales person you’re speaking with insists on talking about “rates” and “roaming charges”, kick him or her square in the groin, and politely ask to speak with someone else.

Once you begin talking with a representative who you feel adequately suits your needs, you’ll need to come off as smart. If the sales rep talking to you can tell you’re not some schlub off the street, he won’t try and stiff you with the less expensive phones. Make sure he knows you’re not green to this whole process, and you won’t settle for anything less than the best. Try and use technical terms as often as possible in your discussion. Things like “Is this a quad-band?” or “How does this phone handle composing SMSs and PINs?” will be sure to get your cell phone knowledge across. Any specs he gives you, make sure you respond with “Wow, only THAT much? The (name of competing store) said they could give me 10 more than what you’re offering.” Don’t worry if what your saying seems completely ridiculous and illogical. Most sales people know just as little about the products as you do.

Now that you’ve gotten the sales person’s attention, and proved to him you’re not a rube, the final step is to find the phone of your dreams and seal the deal. You’re going to want to pick out the most extravagant and expensive phone you can find. Just like Cars, Computers, and Coconuts, the more expensive the better. Asking questions and showing interest in $400+ phones shows the rep, and the company, that you’re a big spender, and willing to lay down the big bucks should your needs and desires come to it. And remember, always act more interested in whatever brochure or sales display you’re reading, it’ll make the rep work harder for your attention.

Hopefully this guide has helped you on your way to finding the perfect cell phone for whatever features you’ve convinced yourself you need. Most of all, try and be reasonable. Do you really need a device that encompasses a number of other electronic devices that you already own, but does it in a less sophisticated way, or with fewer features? Is it really worth it to shell out the extra bucks for a phone with a camera in it, when you’ve already got a digital camera that can take pictures that are 5x better? You’re damn right it’s worth it.

The role of the National Arbor Day Foundation

2007-04-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Spring has officially spring, and that means we’ve begun the countdown to our nations undisputed, favorite holiday. Arbor Day. Yes, Arbor Day, that wonderful day when we celebrate trees great and small. The day when we honor their accomplishments throughout history. The one day a year when trees reign supreme. And if we’re not careful, it will be the day that America soon forgot.

For some, Arbor Day is a day of great celebration, with people all over America dressing in camouflage and wearing “Kiss me, I’m a tree!” buttons. For others, it’s a day of somber reflection, as we think back and honor the trees that have left us in the past year. And for the rest, it’s a day they don’t even realize exists, despite the fact that it is clearly marked on their Dilbert desk calendars as the last Friday of...April? Is it April? I think it’s April.

But that inobservance of Arbor Day, that unpatriotic- no, treasonous act of negligence will soon be history thanks to the benevolent work of the National Arbor Day Foundation.

Founded in 1912 by an intoxicated William Howard Taft, the National Arbor Day Foundation (NADF) has spent almost an entire century trying to encourage understanding of the truth behind our nation’s unsung arboreal heroes. The pine. The oak. The maple. The birch. The cherry. The redwood. And that’s about as many trees and I can think of right now.

But I digress; the NADF is doing a wonderful service for this country. Did you know that almost 90% of children under the age of 5 couldn’t tell the difference between a Virginia Round-Leaf Birch and a Newfoundland Dwarf Birch? Or that less than 10% of adults have enough knowledge of the forestry arts to write a detailed 1500 word essay on the exact scientific processes that cause photosynthesis? If you go to other countries, like Japan, for example, and find a Senior Botanist, he’d easily be able to tell you all of that, and much, much more. If the Japanese can do it, why can’t American children?

The purpose of the NADF is to move towards a correction of these issues. Through heavily funded national reeducation camps, and the occasional pithy comment at the expense of the Logger’s Union Local 156, they have made great progress in their field, and have come up with a revolutionary new campaign to really hit home the effect of logging, and the importance of our leafy friends.

The campaign is simple, yet effective. What happens, is a team of NADF volunteers finds a logger’s home, cuts down a tree in his or her front lawn, and pushes it so it falls directly on top of their house. They then leave a short yet neatly written note reading, “It’s not nice having all the equity you’ve built up in your house destroyed by careless loggers isn’t it? Think of how the animals feel.”

This campaign was highly effective until one perceptive logger by the name of James...something or other, brought up the fact that the local woodland creatures rarely keep track of the value of the shelter’s their built, and even more rarely do they borrow against that value.

Needless to say, the National Arbor Day Foundation plays an important part in our daily lives. From passing out annoying leaflets on the impending extinction of a tree they just discovered in my back yard, to destroying the houses of hard working loggers, the NADF is always there for us, fighting to the death a battle which no one really even realized is going on.

Coping with an evil twin

2007-04-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

Growing up and dealing with family problems can be an interesting and sometimes infuriating experience. If you’ve got siblings around your age, that can complicate things a bit. And if you have a twin, well, that can be pure madness. Some people will tell you there is no closer bond than between twins, and others will go so far as to say that twins have a special, almost psychic connection. Then again, some people think Michael Moore makes documentaries, so it’s hard to tell whom to trust. But all these wonderful perks of being a twin are completely null and void if you’re one of the unfortunate souls whose twin is evil.

Yes, evil twins. They’re not just an easy out for serial-writing anymore. Evil twins are here and they’re a force to be reckoned with. They’re bad, they look just like you, and they’re out to reap the glorious rewards of being evil.

If we’ve learned anything about evil twins from badly written television and cinema, it’s that:

a) You might not know you even have an evil twin
b) Evil twins have a genetic predisposition to complicated and maniacal plans for world domination (as opposed to those simple and level-headed plans for world domination)
c) Evil twins may resent you for a number of reasons, usually involving your parents
d) Evil twins may appear in your town and start doing a number of unsavory deeds that you will inevitably be blamed for
e) Evil twins may have had a horrible disfigurement from birth that caused them to become evil
f) Evil twins may, at the last second, turn good and sacrifice their life to save your own
g) Evil twins usually have a pretty cool back story

So, with that information on the table, you can determine if your twin is, in fact, evil. If your twin seems to be more of a sanctimonious teetotaler, you may want to consider the possibility that you are the evil of the two (or you just might be one of the poor kids who’s parents didn’t have an evil child, in which case, I would suggest you write to your local congressman and ask him to support the Federal Doppelganger Assistant Act).

If you do, in fact, have an evil twin, there are steps that must be taken as soon as possible to prevent any future problems. If you don’t have an evil twin, the rest of this article won’t really apply to you, and you might want to stop reading, and take up a hobby. Bird watching is always nice. And I’ve heard you can make some good money in the trade and sale of rare LPs. There’s a whole world out there for you, and you now know without a shadow of a doubt that your new found leisure activity won’t be ruined by a psychotic evil twin bent on ruining your life.

But I digress, back to those who’s twins congregate with Satan. Evil twins must be dealt with quickly and efficiently, you must strike down their plans for evil-ocity as often as possible, making it very clear that you will not put up with their psychotic shenanigans anymore.

The first thing to do is find out if your evil twin is actively planning an evil endeavor. Most of the time, you can assume that if your twin is alive and breathing, he’s plotting some sort of dirty deed, but it’s always good to double check. Sometimes they take time to pursue other goals, like learning to fly fish, or crocheting. Other times, they might just be sleeping, or on holiday. The best way to do this is to approach your evil twin and say, “Hey Twin-o, what’s crack-a-lackin’? Whatcha doin’? Something evil? I mean, not that I mind...just thought I’d check up, see how things were going.” Any positive response to that question, or any remarks that they will not dignify your query with a response, can more than likely be taken as a confession of guilt.

Once you’ve determined whether or not your twin is, in fact, planning something hideously devilish, you must do everything in your power to stop it. Talk to him/her rationally, try and explain that there are various paths one can go down in life that don’t involve evil. Explain to your twin how releasing a virus that would kill every human being, with the exception of evil twins, would not be the nicest Christmas gift you’ve ever received. You could even try saying “Twinny, I’m not going to let you overthrow the Chinese government.” If these options don’t work, you could always just shoot him/her.

Well there you have it, a quick and simple overview of evil twins, their MOs, and the wait to effectively curb their decisively megalomaniac plans for conquering the human race. If you’ve read through this and thought to yourself “This is complete madness, who would take this seriously”, than it’s obvious your evil twin has already gotten to you.

How to acquire luck

2007-04-11T04:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone say, “Lady Luck is on my side tonight” and thought to yourself “What’s that hussy doing picking favorites? And what’d he do to get her all to himself?” People will tell you that luck isn’t real, or that it’s not something you can acquire, that you either have it or you don’t. But they’re liars, and had you read my article on identifying liars, you would know that already. You CAN acquire, and because I’m not a selfish jerk, I’m going to tell you how.

You may know some of the more famous ways to collect luck: carrying around dismembered rabbit parts, finding deformed plant life, and kidnapping vertically challenged Irishmen. Some might even tell you that coming across loose change, especially coinage with extremely low denominations, will bring you luck. But that’s all sheer flimflammery! There is only one sure-fire, fool proof, results will NOT vary, way to get Lady Luck playing for your team. And as long as you take the steps I tell you to, and take them carefully, you’ll be winning more bingo nights than you can handle.

The first thing you’re going to have to do is set aside about two hours of your day for this. It’s a bit of a long process, I’ll admit, but before you give up on it already, you only have to do it once every other full moon. And isn’t the guarantee of eternal good luck worth two hours of your time? Are you really THAT busy? I didn’t think so.

The next thing you’re going to do is gather a few supplies. You’ll need:
1) A quilt
2) A box of small thumbtacks
3) A blindfold
4) A medium sized flan
Once you’ve gathered these things, put them in a black box and do not open it until the full moon comes.

Once the full moon has risen high in the skies above, it’s time to get your luck on. Spread the blanket down on your living room floor, and use the thumbtacks to fasten it at the corners and sides so it doesn’t move around during the ritual.

Next, carefully take the flan off of its plate, being mindful not to smoosh it in any way, and place it in the exact center of the blanket. If it’s off by even an inch, it’s not lucky at all, and you’ll just have a flan on a blanket in your living room, nothing more. Once you’ve placed the flan, you’re ready to start the ceremony. Put that blindfold on and get ready for some magic to happen.

Lay yourself down on the blanket, placing the back of your head directly on the center of the flan. As the weight of your head begins to smoosh the flan, don’t fight it. It’s all part of the process. Once your head has gone through the entire flan, let it rest there, and begin counting to 100 in your head.

When you’ve reached 100, sit up, remove the blindfold, and make your way to the bathroom. Once you’re in the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Talk a long hard look. Really soak it all in.

See how ridiculous you look? That’s about how ridiculous luck is.

The history of Tupperware

2007-04-10T16:56:00.000-07:00

Food is pretty good. When it comes to things I eat, food is definitely in my top two favorites. But you know what I hate? I think you're going to agree with me about what I hate, because the thing I hate is pretty universal. You wanna know what it is? Of course you do, that's why you're still reading. Well I'll tell you what I hate. I hate food that's gone bad. Spoiled food is definitely one of my least favorite types of food. You know, it just tastes yucky, it smells off, I looks like its gone rotten, and it's just not fun to eat. Normally, spoiled food would be a problem for me, because, you know, I don't eat all the food I have at once, and if you go too long without eating something, it'll spoil. But recently I found this totally cool thing that completely solved my spoilage problem. Its called "Tupperware", and it definitely gets the job done.

Seriously, Tupperware is like magic or something. I don't know how it does it, but it totally keeps your food fresh and stuff. I even told my friend about it:

dakewlguy12: omg!
andysfriend37: wut?
dakewlguy12: TUPPERWARE!
andysfriend37: lolz

See? He thought it was awesome too. But then I got to thinking, like, what's the story behind it? I bet everyone in history that's famous, like Elvis or the king of Scotland or Jesus or whatever had Tupperware. I started thinking about the history of Tupperware and I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out.

So, I figure Tupperware was invented by the Chinese. I mean, they invented like...paper and writing and fireworks and finger-traps and those weird dragon things they have at parades and basically everything else, so they probably did Tupperware too. The first Tupperware was probably a pig's bladder stretched over half a coconut or something crazy like that. Then like, the Greeks I think invaded the Chinese. So the Greeks probably found the pigs bladder coconut thing and thought "We could use this for storing stuffed grape leaves" or something.

So the Greeks were around for a while, right? But then they all moved to Italy and became Romans because they saw "Roman Holiday" and thought it looked pretty cool. Then Marco Polo came over for some pizza or something, and the Romans told him that he could make a ton of money in his spare time by hosting Tupperware parties and selling to his friends.

So Marco Polo went to America and had a huge Tupperware party. President Roosevelt was there, and he bought a ton of that stuff and started hosting his own Tupperware parties all over the country. He sold a ton, too, because everyone was like "Well, if ole Teddy likes it, so do we!" And since then it's been really popular in the states.

At least, that's what I figure happened.

How to motivate your sales staff

2007-04-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

In sales, nothing is more important than your staff. Whether you’re selling insurance policies to big businesses with even bigger cash payouts, or you’re selling tea cozies door to door with even cozier cash payouts, nothing gets done without your staff. And efficient and positive-thinking sales staff runs like a well-oiled machine (not real oil, though, otherwise your employees get all slippery). But a depressed, drug-addled bunch of rag tag ruffians off the street with no personality runs like a drunken baby. It’s got no idea where it’s going or what it’s doing, it’s completely without social skills, and yet, in it’s own way, it’s still cute.

The point is, you can train your staff to be good with people, and you can give them drug tests to curb any “groovy” sales calls, but motivating your sales staff isn’t as easy. It’s not as simple as a pat on the back, “Casual Fridays” and an open bar at the company Christmas party. Hell, it’s not even as simple as a pinch on the rear, “Naked Wednesdays”, and an open bar in the break room (although I’ve never heard any complaints about the “Naked Wednesdays” idea).

Motivation comes from within. It comes from the heart. It comes from the soul. It comes from the brain. And sometimes it comes from the kidneys, but that’s usually an indication that you’re doing it wrong. The key to motivation is getting into the mind of your employees. Like the old adage says, “if you know your enemy, and you know yourself, victory will come easy.” That’s most likely completely wrong, but you get the idea. How can you motivate your staff if you have no idea what your staff thinks? Good question. But I think the better question is: How can you find out what’s going on in your staff’s head? The answer is, without talking to them, you can’t (unless you’re telepathic).

Talking to your staff can seem a bit daunting at first. You might feel like “associating” with your staff might make them think that you’re on “their level” and that you’re just “one of them”, which you’re so totally NOT. One of the easiest ways to make them feel motivated and happy with their jobs is to ask them for suggestions on how the place could run a little better. Before you panic, don’t worry; you don’t actually have to DO any of the things they suggest. Just the fact that you’re pretending to care about what they think is enough for them. You could also try using a few classic lines on some of your sales slaves to get a feel for the mood of the office. Something like “Hey, Bobberino, having a good day?” or “Marsha, you seem like something’s on your mind, what’s up?” or even “Stevie bootsie bop, what do you think the mood of our office is?” Any of those might get you closer to understanding what in the lords name goes through their heads at any given moment.

Now, you know what they’re thinking, but what do you do with that information? In war, knowledge of someone else’s thinking would help you plan a maneuver that would crush them and shaming their families for generations to come. But when you’re dealing with a sales staff, hewing your staff limb from limb on the field of battle and bringing pain and dishonor to their family name usually isn’t the best way to keep your office’s numbers up.

What you might want to do is use this information in a way to help them, or make them feel better. Lets say ole Bobbo tells you he’s having trouble selling because his marriage is on the rocks. You could recommend him the name of the counselor who helped you through your divorce. Or let’s imagine that Marsha hates the fact that they don’t brew decaf in the break room. You could remind her that this is a place of business, not a professional catering service, and if she wants decaf she can get it herself. Let’s even pretend that Steve has for some reason developed a fear of being poked with a broom. You could start leaving a lot of brooms around the office to make sure he stays sharp and on his toes. The possibilities are endless!

By now you’ve got your office in tip-top shape, if not, you’re obviously a failure at personnel management and should go back to clown college (if you’ve never attended a clown college, feel free to consult your local Yellow Pages for a number to call about enrolling). The main thing is to stay focused, and be aware of every little thing that goes on in your office. Spy on your employees, read their emails, regularly weigh them to detect any changes in their eating habits, whatever it takes. Remember, as long as that sale gets through, nothing else matters.

Science Fair Project Ideas

2007-04-10T03:33:00.000-07:00

The elementary school science fair is the quintessential learning experience. Identifying a realm of exploration, formulating a hypothesis, doing considerable research, designing an experiment, making up the results, and preparing your poster-board, all at 11 o’clock on the night before it’s due. The hardest part of this process, other than finding a piece of poster-board that close to midnight, is picking a compelling topic for your project. So, to help you out on your scientific exploration, I’ve compiled a list of fun and factual ideas to get you started on the road to success!

1) Grow plants in two different conditions
It’s pretty simple to set up and doesn’t require much upkeep. The only problem is making two months of pouring water every day sound interesting

2) See how some item is affected by submerging it in some sort of fluid
A little tip for this one: don’t make the fluid “water”, and the item “ice”

3) Find out the freezing and boiling points of different things
You can look up the results to this one online. Quick note, though, don’t try and find the boiling point of something like a cookie... or a cat

4) See which things look really cool when you set fire to them
This experiment, you might actually WANT to do. Nothing like setting fire to a couch and using a good grade as an excuse

5) How much candy/pizza/potato chips/copper can you eat before you’re sick?
Beginners might want to do candy or pizza, copper and potato chips are better for veteran eaters

6) How far can you walk down the main street naked before someone calls the cops?
The younger you are, the farther you’ll end up getting. A 3 year old walking down the street naked is kinda cute (in a non-creepy way). A 19 year old walking down the street naked is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen

7) What does it take to convince a full-grown man to eat a light bulb?
If you want to make this one really challenging, see if you can do it without him money

8) Study the effects of a magnifying glass and the sun on various insects
Various bits of previous research have indicated that some insects will melt, some will catch on fire, and others will actually explode

9) How many Democrats does it actually take to change a light bulb?
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Previous research indicates that it may be 5, one to actually change the light bulb, and four to create a special interests group claiming that “maybe the light-bulb doesn’t WANT to be changed, it’s the bulb’s right to chose, not our governments.”

10) What do women really want?
A quick tip about this one, simply asking them probably won’t work

11) Make a volcano
Use some baking soda and vinegar to make it erupt. For effect, you can even put some ash and sediment covered Lego people around it to be the villagers. Then you can use some green army men to be the special ops rescue team that’s sent in to save the survivors. And then as they’re digging out a family trapped in their house, one of the soldiers discovers that the eruption has let loose a terrible plague that is quickly overtaking the rescuers. So then the American government sends in GI Jo’s to clean up the failed operation and cover the whole thing up in their conspiracy ways. But as their demolishing and burying the evidence, the mountain starts shaking again. Is it another eruption? No! Oh! My! God! It’s GODZILLA! Aaaaaah! Raaaaaaawr! Aaaaaaagh he’s got me! CHOMP! (giggle)

12) See if you can build a working nuclear reactor
All you need is some weapons grade uranium and a nice place to hide from the UN

13) Find out which dishwashing detergent cleans dishes the best
The only bad thing about this one is that you have to clean dishes to do it

14) Take apart a clock and see if you can reassemble it
I don’t know how this one is “scientific”; it’s just something I’ve always wanted to do

Hopefully this list has gotten your gears turning and your mind yearning for some good old-fashioned science! Yay, science! And if all else fails, you can send me $10 and bottle of Windex, and I’ll send you one of the ones I did when I was in elementary school. They’re not good... but heck; it’s easier than doing it yourself.

Retro: Shoe styles that are making a comeback

2007-04-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you for joining me once again you cliché clothed cretins. It is I, your stylistic swami salami here to discuss with you in painful detail the wretched thorn in this horribly effeminate boy’s side known as “retro fashion”. For some god-awful reason, the drooling masses seem to be obsessed with the notion of taking a ridiculous fashion faux pas from twenty years ago and trying to revive it today, as if it wasn’t tacky enough back then. And trust me, they were all tacky back then.

The only redeeming factor of this painful and perverse prose to palaver past-dated panache to the proletariat is that I get to discuss one of my full-fledged favorite fashion fixtures: footwear. There is no other place so sickeningly saturated with salacious stylistic self-deprecating sentimentality as shoes.

Retro fashion has had a strangle hold on the shoe world since those grotesque oriental sandal things had a resurgence in Idaho for about 20 minutes in 1993. Trust me, the only thing worse than a wood-adorned potato farmer is an appletini that’s a little to heavy on the apple, and a little too light on the tini.

Then, as time continued, every teenager who had convinced himself or herself that they were the most original little twerp in their film study class ran out and adorned themselves with All Stars of the Converse variety. But bringing back a ridiculous looking shoe style wasn’t enough, they had to start buying them in pink and day-glo green. Honestly, for the first few months I thought you heathens had created some sort of Gay Basketball league. I won’t start explaining to you my excitement at this idea, but suffice to say I bought my share of pastel shaded Thomas Pink sweatbands.

Then came, lord save us, the Clydesdale stomping of the platform-shoe revival. Walking down the streets, had I not known any better, I would have thought the Amazon women were making their pilgrimage to LA a little early this year. I don’t know if heterosexual men have some perverse fetish for women so tall they look like they could eat them, but I was completely lost amongst a sea of girls clip clopping around with their chests at my eye level. I really didn’t understand it. But then again, I don’t understand most of the trash you people strap on yourselves when you parade about the main streets like some sort of discount woman of ill repute.

This brings us to the present day fashion world, where, for reasons I do not want to begin to understand, you’ve taken the retro level of the platform shoe and skyrocketed it to ridiculous heights with some of the most abhorrent footwear I’ve seen since my roommate wore sandals and socks to Christmas dinner. It still makes me nauseous to this day.

But, I digress; the new ridiculous heights of platform shoes are, in fact, Fish Bowl Platform Shoes. Until recently, these long expired atrocities had been stored in the darkest corners of my lavender mind with mohair and polyester, in a cardboard boxed labeled “Oh Dear God, No”. I’m sure you remember these as well, lovely platform shoes that someone, in a moment of what I can only assume was pure unadulterated idiocy, decided to put an aquarium in the heel. Were the fish real? Were they plastic? Am I man enough to crack through the cheap plastic and find out?

In situations such as these, where my common sense and fashion sense are both bombarded by the obviously drug-induced judgment of you common folk, I find myself asking a few questions. Firstly, to the person who originally invented this...crime against humanity, “Why? Why?!” And secondly, to the obviously brain-dead individual who decided this shoe forged in Beelzebub’s flames, “Why?! Sweet mother mercy, why?!” Lord only knows where this can lead. Fish Bowl Platforms, sure. But why not Cereal Bowl Platforms? Terrarium Platforms? Petri-Dish Platforms? Hamster Wheel Platforms? Why not?! By putting fish in our shoes, we’ve opened up a WORLD of ridiculous and profitable possibilities. Sometimes I want to strangle you people.

Well, that’s about all the retro styling I can manage to think about without going into a coma. I’ll be recuperating from this by putting on my silk robe, pouring a glass of Château De Fete, and curling up with a pint of Bluebell Ice-cream and “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” on the moving picture box. Now leave me alone, before I throw something expensive at you.

Shopping tips for last-minute gifts

2007-04-09T02:38:00.000-07:00

Shopping for a birthday gift can be a hazardous and depressing chore. “What would they want? Is this too expensive? Is this too cheap? How old is he turning? At what age do you stop giving toys? At what age do you start giving semi-automatic handguns?” It’s quite the mental marathon, and this insane process is even more fraught with frantic thinking when you’re buying a last minute gift. “Do little kids need gas cards? Is a bag of Fritos an appropriate wedding gift? Little Suzie likes Marlboro Lights doesn’t she? What if they’re barbeque flavored Fritos? Does that make it better? The closer you get to the time of gift giving, the more limited and absurd your choices become.

Last minute gift shopping has been around for longer than you’d think. The first recorded last minute gift that we know of was actually given at a baby shower, when King Gaspar forgot to buy baby Jesus a gift and just ended up giving him cash. Since then, we have strived to improve our ability to completely BS gift purchasing. Here are some tips on how you can do the same.

Step One - Consider how much time you have
If you’ve got a few days, it’s not really a “last minute” gift, so stop complaining. If the gift exchange is tomorrow, see if you can head up to the mall, or some similar spot where teenagers spawn from the spilt cola on the food-court floor. If you need the gift today, start looking for stores in your immediate area. And if you need the gift within the next hour, start looking around your house for things you don’t really want.

Step Two - Try and pick out a decent gift
The less time you have to pick something out, the less time your brain has to make a rational decision about what the person might like. You might think that your teenage niece would LOVE a John Tesh album and a bottle of brandy, but unless she’s read my article on receiving lame gifts, the look on her face will clearly indicate your complete lack of gift giving ability. And don’t forget, everyone loves gift cards. They have a unique way of saying “I was going to just give you money, but I thought it’d be fun if I limited where you could spend it first.”

Step Three - Wrap it somehow
The easiest way to go about this is with a gift bag, something tacky all in the name of being “festive”. A plastic grocery bag, however, is frowned up; paper ones even more so. Try for something with little faux rope handles; maybe even throw in some tissue paper and a bow if you’re feeling frisky.

So get out of your seat, stop wasting your time reading, and buy that damn gift already. Maybe if you’d just DO things instead of reading online guides ABOUT doing them, you wouldn’t be so behind in your shopping.

Best places for hiding money at home

2007-04-08T03:47:00.000-07:00

Have you just come into some money? Are you afraid someone will steal it? Worried that, if your husband finds out about it, he’ll spend it all on cucumbers again? Concerned your children will steal some and buy drugs? Or condoms? Or some sort of drug-condom hybrid, the likes of which you cannot even begin to fathom? Well, the obvious solution is to hide it.

“But, Stephen,” you say, which actually is incorrect, because my name is Andrew, “I’ve tried hiding money before. I put $300 dollars in my left shoe, only to find out weeks later that my cobbler had at it. And I can’t afford one of those posh “money hiding services” you always hear about in Daily Variety. And even if I could, they’d probably just use my personal information to start counterfeiting hats under my name.” Well, to be honest, they probably would do that. I read about it in a movie once. But haberdashery fraud aside, there is another way.

You can cheaply and efficiently hide money in your own house, without any high priced assistants, and without any fear of some snot-nosed spouse dipping into it to fund their seasoning salt addiction. I’ll tell you how.

Firstly, don’t ask any friends or family members for help picking out a proper stashing spot. Not only does this clue them in on your bulging pockets, but it assures them that you’re absolute rubbish at hiding things. You’ll also want to remember not to hide the money with other hidden objects. You wouldn’t want your eight year old scrounging around for toffee and walking away with cash in hand and candy in mouth, leading to reckless spending and painful cavities.

Let’s take a look at some everyday hiding places and contrast their pros with their cons.

In The Cupboard, Behind A Bottle Of Red Wine Vinegar
Pros – Family members don’t normally look for things behind the vinegar
Cons – God help you if your daughter develops a taste for vinegar daiquiris

In The Veggie Crisper
Pros – None of your children would DARE go near the veggie crisper
Cons – When you forget where you’ve hidden the money, neither will you

Underneath A Large Rock
Pros – Not really a place people just stumble upon
Cons – Those earthworms are greedy conniving little buggers

Buried In The Back Yard
Pros – You can pretend you’re a pirate while you’re burying it; maybe make yourself a treasure map
Cons – Again, earthworms

I think you get the idea. Hopefully this little guide has gotten you ready for a good old-fashioned money-stash. And if all else fails, have more children. Your money will disappear before you know it.

How to receive a lousy gift graciously

2007-04-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

Realizing that the gift you've given someone hasn't been well received can be a depressing moment, especially if, after opening the gift, they say "Pity, this will not be well received." But think about how hard it must be for the person opening the gift, trying desperately (you'd hope) to pretend like they actually wanted a bag of stale Milano cookies.

Think about it. It's your birthday, you're ripping open presents like you're attempting to set a new personal best for time, and after all the wrapping paper, ribbon, and tape settle, you realize you've been gifted something that's just plain lame. "Thanks, Uncle Stan, I'vealwayswanteda bottle ofcheap scotch." If you're lucky, your pathetic attempt to act at all excited at this weak gift has worked, and Uncle Stan won't be sent into yet another shame-spiral, locking himself in the wine cellar again. But, if after 10 minutes of opening lame gifts, you find all of your friends and family have joined charming yet quirky Uncle Stan in the wine cellar, you may need to work on your technique.

The best tip I can give to you is: don't over-do it. Aunt May knows you haven't "always wanted" a scarf made of cigarette filters, and your little brother can probably guess you haven't "looked everywhere" for an ash tray he made out of clay in his third grade art class (although with gifts like these, you may want to cut down on your smoking). Act thankful, but don't act like you've just received the greatest gift since France gave us the Statue Of Liberty (and honestly, what were the French thinking with that one? It's huge! We had to give up use of an otherwise useful island just to be civil and put it on display. All this just so that when the French stopped by for tea and casual chit-chat, they could say "Oh, you found a place for the Statue we gave you. Thank god. We were talking to Britain and they said you'd probably just let it collect dust in the wine cellar. Glad to see you're enjoying it, though." But after all that work, did they ever pop round for a visit?)

Here's a quick reference guide to receiving bad gifts without looking like a stuck-up, ungrateful prick.

Tacky Clothes:
First, hold it up for everyone to see. After the obligator ooh-ing and aah-ing from your guests, hold it up against yourself and pretend that people actually want to envision what you'd look like wearing a day-glo green cardigan. Then offer thanks for the gracious yet tacky gift (don't phrase it that way) and place it back in the box it came in.

Books You Have No Interest In Reading:
Take the book, look at the cover, carefully read every word on the cover, and then turn it over to the back. As guests are asking you about the book, and the person who gave it to you is explaining how some guy on a plane who he had mentioned you to thought you might like it, pretend you're too engrossed in reading the back cover of the book to notice. Then, hand it off to someone sitting quite close to you as if THEY might be interested in it, saying something like "Seems interesting, have you heard anything about it?" or "I think they mentioned this on NPR a few days ago" or "I heard some drunken bum on the street quoting passages from this." Place it back in the bag.

Movies You Have No Intention Of Watching:
First begin the same way you did with that book on alien pregnancies and the potential birth defects they can cause. Look at the cover, look at the back, and ignore all comments while pretending to be interested in what the DVD is about. When you hand it to someone near you, say something to the effect of "A guy at work was talking about this movie, said it was pretty good" or "Didn't this get nominated for something?" or "Do you think grandma knew this was soft core pornography when she bought it?" Place it back in the bag.

Cars That Are Just Ugly:
You stuck-up, ungrateful prick. Someone just gave you a car, and you're not happy with it because it's a bit ugly. It's people like you who make Christmas absolute hell on all of us.

I hope that with the help of this guide, you can feel more confident about your fake enthusiastic abilities, and maybe even keep Uncle Stan out of the wine cellar this year. And if you get a car you're not too happy with, just send it my way. Nothing too old, though. If it's before '95, don't even bother.

Why penguins live in such cold temperatures

2007-04-07T10:35:00.002-07:00

Throughout history, man has been plagued with questions he has struggled in vain to answer. Where did we come from? What is our purpose on earth? Is there a god? What happens to us after we die? Why do penguins live in such cold temperatures? To this day, many of these questions remain unanswered, despite our best efforts. But today, we may be able to shine some light one of the more perplexing questions, for today, we dive into the previously unheard story of the Great Penguin Exile.

Imagine a time many eons ago, a time before time, if you will. Imagine a time when creatures roamed our globe, and the dawn of man was nowhere in sight. The time you are imagining, my faithful readers, is the time of the mighty Penguin Empire. After 23 generations of peaceful and benevolent rule, Emperor Steve XII ruled with a heart as big as his kingdom. But Steve, wide as his army's purview was, could not see the unrest bubbling just below the surface, and sat high on his throne, unaware that the mighty rule of the Penguin Dynasty was soon to be toppled.

Despite the tireless efforts of the ruling class, the great gap between classes continued to grow. The penguin aristocracy grew richer, while the species in the lower classes grew poorer and disenfranchised. Though the dynasty's rule had done all it could to promote sound economic growth, the species of the lower classes could see nothing more than sweat rolling off their backs and into the already fat pockets of their penguin betters.

An underground movement of discontent began to grow, advocating public demonstrations and civil disobedience. But as penguin response to these acts of protest became more frantic and maniacal, so did the Resistance itself. Protestors began demonstrating in force, taking up arms and sabotaging state controlled industries.

Then, one afternoon, after two solid years of dissent and disenfranchisement, the penguin rule was finally overthrown. Over 3,000 protesters gathered outside the walls of the massive government complex to demand representation in the decision making process of local and empire-wide affairs. No one is quite sure who drew arms first, but by the end, it was then penguins' blood that flooded the streets.

As the Resistance stormed the castle, Steve XII was forced to flee. In a barely seaworthy vessel, the emperor and 200 others of the penguin aristocracy escaped with little more than their lives. After 3 grueling months drifting through the seas like nomads, they landed in what was then known as Frosterna (modern day Antarctica). They have struggled to survive there ever since, seething with disdain for the rest of the world, completely unaware of all that has taken place in their lost kingdom.

Will the penguins ever reclaim their rightful place on the throne? Only time, and possibly another article, will tell.

Why eat out instead of eating in

2007-04-07T10:35:00.001-07:00

Eating out. Euphemisms aside, it's a wonderful and exciting way to get out of the kitchen and try something new. But great rewards come with an equal cost. The money, the time, the atmosphere, the people, the selection, these are all things one must take into consideration when making a decision of the magnitude as to whether you should go out or eat in. This is a decision that must not be taken lightly. The fate of your evening rests on the conclusion you come to at this crucial juncture.

Firstly, you must consider your options. Is leaving the house inevitable? Are the only foodstuffs you have at home limited to a can of potted meat, red wine vinegar, and Coffee-Mate? Will you have to go out tonight for groceries anyways? Have you cooked at home every day for the past seven months? Is your husband claiming that if he has to choke down another bite of your chicken stroganoff, he'll set fire to the entire west end? In any of these situations, eating out might be a good idea.

Secondly, you must decide what foody comestibles you're in the mood for. If you have a taste for veal tenderloins, sauted in red wine with a truffle garnish, you may be better off eating out. But if you're more in the mood to eat frosting out the tub while sitting in your skivvies watching the BBC, staying at home may be a better option, unless, of course, you have an establishment in your area that caters to that kind of evening, in which case, please forward me the address. Contrasting your meager cooking abilities with your endless tastes can be one of the easiest ways to go about it.

Lastly, you must consider your financial situation. Staying in may be preferable for those who see the fast food dollar menus and think to themselves "A dollar for a small fries? Preposterous! That's highway robbery!" It's no longer fashionable to eat at an establishment you cannot possibly afford. The old "dine and dash" went out of style long ago and took spats and tomfoolery with it.

Hopefully this simple yet informative guide has helped you on your way to making one of the most influential decisions of your life. And if you're still unsure, you could always order take out, bring it home, make an entirely new dish with the food you've just purchased, and then eat it in your neighbor's back yard.

Top 2007 spring fashion trends

2007-04-07T10:31:00.001-07:00

Why hello to all you wretched fashion urchins. It's the two times millennium plus seven, spring is the new king of the seasons, and that means it's time for my seasonal attempt to keep all of you in some semblance of style. I've spent the last few months scouring our blah-blah planet with all my fashion focused flunkies to find all the new styles are obviously much too much for you to ever conceive of affording. Don't worry, though, they'd make you look as bloated as a sauced up congressman anyways.

Whilst traversing our blue and green life-mother, one of my style-slaves noticed that every college kiddo packing heat in their naughty zones was popping the collar on their obscenely pastel polo's. After my initial nauseous reaction, I decided to delve further into the trend. Fortunately for all us onlookers, flipping your collar like some fake Fonzie who's too cheap for a leather jacket and a decent hair stylist is SO last paragraph. What's the new collar craze, you ask? I'll tell you. Take your favorite polo shirt, fold the collar back down, fold the shirt up nicely, place it in the back of your dresser, and try and remember that the color wheel has more to it than pasty pink and sun-bleached white. Honestly, if I see another frat boy over-analyzing the popped-up-ness of his collar, I'm going to set fire to a state school.

Speaking of badly conceived college clothing clichs, the "distressed clothing" craze has hit new levels. Now, not only will your local over-priced style-farm be stocking shirt with tacky slogans and pants that seem to be more holes, fades, and shoddy patchwork than actual denim, but you'll soon see your tacky Mecca's equipped with self-serve "stain stations". That's right, if you want to have any chance for a drunken hookup at the next Delta Sigma Tao booze-fest, your professionally tattered jeans had better be sporting as many spills and stains as is humanly possible. Ink, wine, pizza, beer, vomit, intimate fluids, they're all fashionable as my satin sundries. My advice to you? Skip your Abercrombie's and your Hollister's and just much your local hobo.

Now, before I sign off and go back to not associating with your type, I'll indulge you with a quick word on the new ladies fashion trend. If someone tells you "thin is in", spit in their eye and call them a fat, ugly, liar. If they're already fat and ugly, leave them be, the damage has already been done. This is out, ladies and effeminate gentlemen, and beer bellies are in. That's right, you can drink an extra pint when your club hopping for desperate men this weekend, because nothing's sexier than a woman with just a little too much of her to love. Want to accentuate your already bulbous belly fat? Try wearing a tight shirt that shows off your mid-drift. It'll make it seem like your deliciously taboo beer-blubber is almost like a flesh inner tube that you're wearing just a tad too high. Couple it with some low-rise jeans that any time before now you would have looked ridiculous wearing, and you'll bewell you'll be something.

Well that's all you fashion heathens. Join me next time when I'll be detailing all the wonderful new shoes you'll never see in the Payless you frequent. Ta!

Guide to reading ordinary playing cards

2007-04-07T10:30:00.001-07:00

The future, that unforeseeable yet unavoidable time which we all strive for, plan for, hope for, and fear. The futures exists as an inevitable fact of mortality that we cannot know the nature of. Or can we?

Move over, tarot cards! Step aside, crystal balls! And all you soothsayers reading goat's bladders, just stop. It's weird. There's a new fad that's intriguing all those too impatient to actually wait for the future to come: Cartomancy. No, not Cartography, though some experts say that proper analysis of cartographical records can help us make predictions into the future (although these experts are rather dry, and tend to drone on, so we don't bother with them).

Yes, Cartomancy: the art of telling the future by reading ordinary playing cards. Not many people know this, but The U.S Playing Card Company of Cincinnati, Ohio has been imbuing their famous "Bicycle" decks with the powers of ancient mystics since the mid 1930's. Anyone with the right teachings and some good old fashioned elbow-grease can tell their future, or the future of others, with nothing more than an ordinary deck of playing cards. You'd think such an amazing and life-altering practice couldn't possibly be learnt from a simple 2-page Internet article, but you'd be ridiculously wrong (and people would probably make fun of you for it).

Step 1: Get a deck of playing cards
Any deck of playing cards will do, although the ancient mystics prefer "Rider Back" "Bicycle" decks. Something about that cherubthingy riding a bicycle on the make makes it so much more magical than a deck with, say, Disney characters or naked women on it.

Step 2: Shuffle the deck
Shuffle it any way you like; it doesn't make a difference. Bud don't use one of those card-shuffling gizmos, they eat up all the future-tellingstuff. And make sure to take out the jokers too; they've got crap for magic.

Step 3: Deal the cards
Deal any number of cards you'd like. Make sure you deal them face down, though (wouldn't want to ruin the surprise!) If you want, deal them in some sort of pattern or design, that'll make you look real magical.

Step 4: Read your future
Start flipping cards over one by one (don't get overzealous!) With each card you flip over, make up some meaning for it. Don't be too specific, though, the more vague you are, the better the odds that you'll be right. Maybe spades signify change, and queens indicate an important woman in your life. Read it anyway you like! It's all smoke and mirrors anyways!

If you're looking for a more "serious" and "legitimate" guide to Cartomancy, I'm sure you can find something pretty quickly on Google. But don't get your hopes too high up; they're just playing cards.

Essential furniture for your media room

2007-04-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

The media center is one of the most important rooms in the house. It houses the CD player, the needlessly expensive surround sound system, your collection of over 500 DVDs (only 20 of which you've ever watched), and, most importantly, the television that will consequentially raise your children.

And as important as this room is, so is the furniture, which it contains. If your horribly expensive media-related gadgets aren't housed properly, the whole ambiance of your entertainment room is gone with the proverbial wind.

When it comes to furnishing and decorating a media room, you really have two options. There's the modern look, which says, "Look! Look at my mass amounts of media! Its surrounded in chrome tinted Formica! I embrace technology (to the point where I don't have money to embrace anything else)!" There's also the more traditional look, which says, "Look at this lovely room with all this lovely cherry furniture! Little did you know, inside that enormous armoire against the east wall is an entertainment system! I love pretending I don't own a TV!" Either approach is acceptable, but make sure that you decide ahead of time, or it can make shopping for furniture quite difficult.

No matter which approach you take, there are a few essential pieces that you'll eventually have to buy before your media room can really be considered "complete".

1) Some kind of entertainment center. You're going to need a place to store your TV, your VCR, your DVD player, your HD-DVD player, your Laserdisc player, your Betamax player, your cable box, your DVR, your DVD recorder, your TiVo, your VHS rewinder, your Betamax rewinder, your DVD rewinder, your RCA switcher, your Xbox, your Playstation, your Nintendo, your Wonderswan, your accordion, and your box of 10,000 remotes.

2) Something in which to house all of your tapes and discs. You're going to (if you haven't already) build up an insanely large collection of videos and DVDs. And you're going to want to display your collection in some kind of cabinet. Maybe you'll get a cabinet with glass doors, so no one will walk into the room without seeing your crafted selection of sports bloopers and John Waters films. And don't worry, no matter how meticulously you organize them on the shelves, some friend will insist on looking at every case in there and putting them back in the most random and messy way possible.

3) Something to put your surround sound speakers on. Finding mounts and shelves for your speakers is a tricky situation. If you put your speakers out of sight, there's a very good chance people won't comment on them. But if you keep them out in the open, it'll look too obvious that you're fishing for admiration of your audio superiority. The key is to find something that is obvious, but also partially hidden. Mounting them in corners and on the sides of rafters works well. It keeps them out of immediate sight, giving the impression that you want them to be heard and not seen, but they're still out in the open for everyone to gawk at.

4) Last but not least, the computer desk. The dilemma that a desk poses us with is how you want your desk to be seen. You can go with less of a desk, and more of a table, and give off a "Yeah, it's just a table, but I use it ask a desk. I'm not really at the computer enough to warrant a real desk." Or you can go with more of a desk-desk, all roll-top like with tons of drawers and maybe a filing cabinet, which says more of "This is my workstation. This is the station wherein I work. Look at all the drawers and filing cabinets, obviously my work is important, otherwise I wouldn't have so much storage!" Either way, you're going to need a place to park your computer and make it seem like you actually know how to use the damn thing

Hopefully you've found this helpful media-room furniture guidehelpful. If the next time you're out shopping for an entertainment center or a speaker cabinet, you think back to this article, then it's done its job. And if you don't, well then the hell with you.

How to identify a zombie

2007-04-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

Zombies. The undead. Those crazy brain-eaters. Whatever you decide to call them, they're a part of life. Whether you're at the movies, shopping for groceries, or muddling about looking for brains, zombies are everywhere. And if you're not too careful, you just might be walking down to the local Piggly Wiggly when suddenly BAM! your skull is being cracked open by some member of the walking dead looking for nothing other than a sample of your juicy brain-meats. Every day you turn on the news and there's another story about some poor schlub downed by a group of flesh-hungry walking-corpses and you think to yourself "That won't happen to me, I voted Republican." But minimal government intervention and lower taxes won't protect you when massive hoards of the undead come a knockin' on your back door. What will save you, though, is the ability to spot a zombie before it gets close enough to smell your spicy brain-meats.

The key to identifying a zombie is to first recognize the three telltale signs of Zombie-ism:
1) The person in question is either consuming brains, searching for brains, yelling out "braaaaaaiiiiins!" or any combination of the aforementioned signs
2) The person in question resembles a corpse in skin color, medical condition, maggot infestation, or smell (and is not Mick Jagger)
3) When asked, "Are you a zombie?" the person in question responds "Why yes, yes I am." (An answer of "braaaaaaaiiiiins!" is also accepted)

You've gone through your preliminary check for Zombie-ism, and if the person in question has come up clean and normal, you have nothing to fear (unless he/she has a gun or some kind of pointed stick) and can go about your daily routine as if nothing had happened. But if the person in question, after going through your simple "Zombie Or Not" quiz has tested positive for Zombie-ism, you may have a bit of a situation on your hand. The next step is to determine if this zombie that has crossed your path is a threat to you. Contrary to popular belief, there are zombies that are not dangerous. Here's a quick reference guide to determine if the undead you're facing are of the peaceful or dangerous variety:

Peaceful Zombies can be identified by
Their cheerful demeanor, their sharp dressing, their casual and confident stride, their faint smell of lilac, their gainful employment, and the fact that they normally yell "Stooooooock ooooptiooooons!" instead of "brains!"

Dangerous Zombies, however, are
Surly, poor conversationalists, rarely concerned with their appearance, covered in sores, scavenging for brains, eating brains, unemployed, bad listeners, have a poor sense of direction, have terrible posture, and completely unconcerned with the well being of others

Now hopefully you have determined whether the zombie approaching you is either a productive member of society or a brains-thirsty member of the undead masses. If a peaceful zombie is approaching you, you're in the clear, although you might want to keep an eye on your belongings (peaceful zombies are known opportunists). However, if a dangerous zombie is approaching you, you have two options. You can either:

a) Avoid the zombie in question
b) Hope the zombie doesn't smell your spicy brain meats
c) Make a preemptive strike and fight

Current zombie-related legislation looks down on the senseless murdering of the undead population, but you'd be hard pressed to find a jury that would convict you. So if you feel you are at any risk of having your skull pried open and it's juicy contents devoured like so many cocktail weenies at a new years party, you have the ability and the right as a non-zombified human to protect yourself.

Researchers are still unclear as to the weakest point of a zombie. Some will say that decapitation, or at the very least extensive head trauma, will stop a zombie in its tracks. But you have other options. Cutting it into tiny pieces with some sort of chainsaw works, as do explosives and in some cases, very harsh criticism. No matter what tactic you take, be sure to keep your distance. Zombies will lunge forward whenever they think they have an open shot. The further away you are, the less likely you are to have your arm torn from your body.

If you keep all that you have read in mind, you should be more than able to live a peaceful and zombie-free existence. Good luck, fellow normals, and god speed.

Sex sells: The use of sexual innuendo in advertising

2007-04-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

Sex sells. You've heard it a million times before, but you've never really sat down and thought about why that is (or maybe you have, I have no idea). From the sex on TV to the prolific and internationally renowned rise of the thong, sex is everywhere. To effectively shield your children from displays of carnal desire, you'd have to lock them inside with no access to literature or media and never let them out (or just be Amish, but if you were Amish, you wouldn't be reading this).

And even with all of our sexual advertising, or "adversexing" as it's come to be called (probably) we're still fairly prude in comparison to some of the Western European countries. In Portugal, for example, one of the main characters on a popular children's show is a large-breasted Brazilian woman named "Barbara Boom-Boom" who rides round on a pogo stick shouting at immigrants (ok, that's completely made up. Honestly, I have no idea what kids over there watch).

But we're getting off topic. Sex is a powerful advertising tool, and there's a reason for it: We like sex. We're one of the few animalthingies that has sex for reasons other than procreation (though what those reasons could be are far beyond me). We, as humans, enjoy sex, and like to have it as often as possible. So when some attractive women in a television smells the wonderful "spring" scent that some man's laundry detergent imbued his shirt with, and suddenly that same shirt is laying on the floor as the two engage in off-camera coital affairs, men might come to the conclusion that "Spring scent + attractive woman within smell-shot = hot passionate kinky wild coitus". (Author's Note: It doesn't work. Spring Scent? Irish Rain? Summer Breeze? They all smell like you spilled laundry detergent on your clothes and don't get you anything, let alone off-camera coitus.)

This doesn't apply only to sex-starved men, though. You've all seen the perfume ads where some attractive woman slowly walks in through the silk curtains of her ocean-side villa balcony to some very attractive half naked man flipping sausages in a pan. Then she walks over to him and he takes her off screen and the two engage in off-camera coital affairs, all apparently because she bought the latest perfume from some Italian designer you may or may not have known existed. (Author's Note: That may not be a commercial as much as it is a dream I had the other night, but I could definitely see an advertising agent soiling his britches with delight after coming up with that.)

So what have we learned today? Sex sells, and that's because we all want sex, and enjoy sex, and see advertisements that imply that if we buy a specific brand of detergent, mouthwash, coffee, or chutney, attractive members of the opposite sex will ravish us on an hourly basis. And when sex isn't in an ad, but in some sort of entertainment venue (i.e. movies, television, books, radio dramas, and Kabuki) it's there because we like seeing other people have sex; it makes us think "Hmmhe's having sex with an attractive woman, and he's not even that attractive. Maybe that means I could be having sex with attractive women too!" Sex is a part of our lives, and until asexual-reproduction becomes anywhere near as fun as intercourse, it will remain a means of procreation, an entertainment mainstay, a recreational event, and many peoples' only form of physical activity.

Body language: The art of nonverbal communication

2007-04-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

Body language. Not only is it a mediocre song by Queen, but it's also a language we all speak fluently (with the exception robots). Don't let those freeloading feel-good hippies try to tell you that smiles and love are the international language, because it's by far the language of the body (with Esperanto running a close second). And if you're looking to work your way to the proverbial top, recognizing and understand body language can be one of the fastest ways to get there (right behind sleeping your way to the top, and doing something to actually deserve success).

Body language is a complex dance of subconscious movements intended to convey our innermost feelings and desires in the most confusing and convoluted way possible. The easiest way to start uncovering the secrets of human body language is to observe your own bodily signals (you can try to observe others, but you might end up looking creepy).

See how your body and appearance becomes open and inviting, or closed and defensive in different daily situations. Compare how your face and arms contort when you're talking to a member of the opposite sex to how you curl up in a fetal position when confronted by your strange uncle Stan. For a real challenge, stand in front of a mirror, pretend you're at some dive bar and that your reflection is actually an attractive member of the opposite sex, and try and talk up your own reflection (for ease of imagination, fill your bathroom with empty liquor bottles and the smell of cigarettes and cross-dress). It's amazing the things you'll find when you over analyze everything someone does in your presence.

Not only will your newfound understanding of body language increase your chances of becoming the big cheese in your career of choice, but it can also make the dating scene a lot easier for you. As you may have noticed while cross-dressing and trying to seduce your reflection, the body gives off many signals when being flirted with (especially when the flirter is in drag). If you can interpret the signals of your potential mate, you stand a much better chance of getting a date, or at the very least, a drunken hookup (and if you're lucky, both).

Let's take some basic body language signals in every-day flirting situations. Once you've acclimated yourself with the process of studying and interpreting these signals, each one should immediately trigger in your mind what that person is really thinking. It's like being able to read someone's mind, but instead of using ESP, you're staring at their arms.

Arms crossed as you talk to them: The person feels either disinterest or contempt towards whatever you may be saying (although in some cases, it may indicate they're trying to do a Mr. T impression)
Turning their back to you for a length of time: The person no longer wants to talk to you, and may even be repulsed by the way you look (this may not apply if the person you are talking to knows you have a back-fetish)
Grabbing their handbag quickly: The person feels threatened, and is preparing to flee for their life
Nodding their head and looking around as you speak: The person is trying to be polite, but desperately looking for a way out of the conversation
Ripping off their clothes and tackling you: The person may be interested in reciprocating your romantic advances
Putting their clothes back on and walking out of the room while sighing: The tattoo on your chest of Ricardo Montalbon is not as sexy as you think

Hopefully these little insights into body language, it's origins and it's psychological backing have helped you on your quest to understanding what exactly your secretary is trying to say when she flips you the bird after each of your less than tasteful jokes. With your newfound signal-interpreting powers, you're well on your way to the top of the ladder (or hopefully less likely to get sued for sexual harassment).

Author's Note: Upon reflection, "Body Language" is actually a pretty good song

How to tell if somebody is lying

2007-04-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

Lies. Deception. Deceit. Sheer tomfoolery. These things are not only the basis of every vaguely interesting political thriller, but staples in our deliciously amoral society. You've all hear the old adage "Nice guys finish last" (unless they're really hot), well it's never been truer than today. The only way you can survive in this dog-eat-dog world is to fish back, armed with an arsenal of lie-radar, deception countermeasures, and deceit-piercing bullets. And if you're one of the many caught off guard and unarmed by these "liarists" (you like that? That's "liar" and "terrorist" put together) then consider me your black-market arms dealer of success.

The first step to a safe and liarist free existence is to identify the enemy. Liars aren't of any specific nationality (save for Ugandans) or religion (although, bit of advice, never trust a Quaker). They can be anyone, anywhere, at any time. They could be your co-workers, your paperboy, your neighbors, or even members of your own family. You could be sitting next to one right now (the guy on your left). The only way you can be completely safe is to TRUST NO ONE, not even me.

With that understood, the next step is to identify a lie. Since we've already agreed that everyone is a potential liar, we need to assume right off the bat that every lying word that comes out of their lying liar's lie-holes is, in fact, a lie. Guilty until proven innocent, that's the real American way. With everything a person says to you, you need to immediately consider what they stand to gain. Take time and think "if I believe what this person is saying, what do they get out of it?" If you can't think of anything, you're not looking hard enough. Remember, if just one lie goes undetected, then the liarists win.

Now, you're face to face with the liar, he's showered you with lie-missiles, you've detected them on your lie-radar, and have taken appropriate cover. There's only one thing to do now: retaliate. You need to call him on his lie, and you can do this any way you'd like. You can be subtle about it, and respond with a sarcastic "Oh yes, I BELIEVE that", you can be a but more blunt and say "Pssh, THAT's not a lie", or you can go all out, shove your accusatory finger in their face, yell "LIAR! YOUR PANTS ARE FLAMING AS WE SPEAK!" and run off giggling into the night.

Hopefully this article has helped you arm yourself with the elite lie-fighting techniques you'll need to win the war against the liarists. Remember, if you trust no one, refuse to give out any information about anything, and accuse everyone of being a liar, you just might live through the night.

Understanding dreams

2007-04-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dreams. Some say they're a window into our subconscious desires, other say they're premonitions of our destiny, still others claim they're nothing more than random images that our brain pieces together as best it can, and a few insist they're created by alien beings in an attempt to confuse us (but those people are insane, so we ignore them). Regardless of what causes dreams, there has always been a great desire to try and decode our subconscious nocturnal visions.

Dream interpretation is a $12 million a year industry (that figure may not be real, it came to me in a dream), and has been steadily on the rise for the last two decades (probably). Opponents of the practice of "dream-reading" claim it's a "waste of time" and a bunch of "new age poppycock" (those quotes are completely fabricated). But for those of you looking to get your engine running down the road to frantic and obsessive dream analysis, here are a few examples of successful decoding to get you started.

Example #1:
Dream You're laying on your bed, but your mattress is actually made of compressed sawdust. You turn your head to look at your spouse, but find a bowl of custard in their place. You open your mouth to scream, but all that comes out is your drunken rendition of Paul Simon's "Graceland".
Interpretation The bed of sawdust clearly represents instability and uncertainty in your love life. The bowl of custard is a sign of stagnation, and "Graceland" represents your closet obsession with Paul Simon.

Example #2:
Dream You're being chased through Cheyenne by the original cast of "Hairspray"
Interpretation You are obviously bothered by your inability to gauge your social standing in today's society. While you shun the Wall Street "fat cats" for their abhorrent materialism, you secretly desire your own villa on the Riviera. Your internal struggle for socio-economic peace will soon manifest itself in your cooking, and must be addressed immediately to prevent any collapsed souffls.

Example #3:
Dream You have a recurring dream of your ex-wife beating you over the head with the replica Star Wars lightsaber you pawned your wedding ring to purchase.
Interpretation This dream signifies nothing. Stop obsessing and go back to sleep.

As you can see, the world of dream interpretation is a wide and mystical one filled with complete BS. Hopefully this guide has whetted your appetite enough to go out and possibly read a reputable source on this fad.

Appropriate vs. inappropriate uses for text messaging

2007-04-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Text messaging. What used to be something strictly reserved for teenagers with too little to do has now expanded to younger and older age groups alike. Recent studies (that I’ve just made up) show that not a second goes by without an “LOL” (roughly translated to “Lets Order Lunch”) or a “WTF?!?!?!!?” (translation: “Where’s Tim’s Fish?”) being sent or received. But there’s pressing matter hand, text message etiquette. Those who have mastered the skills of typing with a telephone keypad can have little to no knowledge of the appropriate times and ways to engage in their text conversations.

You’ve just gotten a new cell phone, loaded with thousands of features you’ll never use. And while you’re wading through the mire of Binary Clocks and Smell-Recorders, you’ll eventually find what you’re really looking for. Right atop the main menu, and probably accessible through one of the thousands of buttons on the phone’s side (which button does which, though, you’ll never memorize), is the Text Messaging Service. But before you start showering your friends with “OMG”s (translation: “Open My Gate”) and “BRB”s (translation: “Bring Roger Back”), it’s important to understand that there are times when text messaging is, and is not, appropriate. Here’s a quick reference guide for your convenience:

When Text Messaging IS Appropriate:
On public transportation, in class, during boring meetings, in bed (after your spouse falls asleep), when dining alone, at home, at traffic lights, on a walk, while shopping, during surgery (when the patient is not anesthetized), at the Day-Time Emmys

When Text Messaging IS NOT Appropriate:
At formal gatherings, at important meetings, at funerals, in bed (when your spouse is still awake), while driving, while meeting your girlfriend’s parents, in bed (during “carnal relations”), while dining with your boss, at weddings (especially if you’re the one getting hitched), when on a date, during surgery (when the patient is still awake), during job interviews, while accepting a Day-Time Emmy

Now, it may be prudent to discuss in what situations text messaging may be more appropriate than actually calling (god forbid) the person you wish to speak with.

Sending a text message (or “texting” as the young kids are calling it these days) to your friends to let them know you’re running a little late is perfectly acceptable; texting your adulteress while she’s in bed with her husband, however, is not. It’s best to use common sense in these matters; if you’re one of the many unlucky souls born without common sense, try asking a friend or writing your local congressman for advice.

The last crucial decision in texting is style. Similar to actual writing, successful texting is all about style, and style that comes from within, and cannot be taught. However, if you have no style, this easy to follow guide should get you well on your way.

Rule #1: Abbreviate as often as humanly possible
Rule #2: Refuse to use punctuation when needed, and overuse it when unnecessary
Rule #3: Capitalize letters at completely random times
Rule #4: One “lol” is never enough, try “LOLOLOLOL” instead

By following the simple rules and suggestions outlined in this article, you’re well on your way to joining the Communication Generation (God help us).

Why we procrastinate and how to stop

2007-04-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Procrastination. For some, it's a word to scream at their teenage children; for other's, it's a way of life. And while the urge may be great for me to stop this article now with a, "Screw it, I'll finish this later," it's time to finally get up and say something about this epidemic. Like it or not, the "I'll do it later" mentality has gotten a stranglehold on our society and could very easily suffocate our futuresif it ever gets around to it.

You could spend hours reading page after page, analyzing the procrastinating mind (if you have that kind of drive) and you'd find a number of conclusions varying from personality disorders to a blaming of the parents for instilling a poor work ethic on their children, but we all know the true culprit. If you look deep into your soul, and think back to all the times you've said to yourself "Meh, this can wait," you'll plainly see the reason is simply that it's easier, and gives immediate rewards.

Imagine yourself at home, it's 8:00 am, and you've got a task, something you know you can accomplish, but will take time. Let's pretendyou have to write an article about procrastination. And let's say you have a deadline of 5:00 pm. You know you'll have to do it eventually, but you're at a crossroads. You can do it now, and have free time after you're done, or you can put it off until the last minute, and have free time immediately. Now if you're a responsible human being, you'll do it now, and enjoy uninterrupted free time afterwards. Seems like an obvious decision, yes?

Now let's pretend you're an irresponsible college student, and a lazy one at that. You'll probably end up sitting around in your underwear for a while, microwaving a hot-pocket, taking a nap, reading some comic books, and watching reruns of "Antiques Roadshow" until 4:50 pm, when you then realize you've got an article due in 10 minutes, and you haven't even showered yet. Looking at it from this distance, it seems pretty easy to make the right decision, but I'm sure as we all know, it's not that simple when you're down in the thick of it.

But how do we combat procrastination? How do we fight a problem that exists in our minds? How do you force yourself to do something that you could easily do later? How do you get a teenager to take out the garbage when there's a perfectly good X-Box in the other room that's just dying to be played?

Well, if you're a procrastinator looking for answers in this article, go do something else! You've obviously got better and more important things to do than read about how to get yourself to do things, so go do them! Seriously, if you don't get going now, I'm going to kidnap your cat.

Now that they're gone, if you're one of the unfortunate souls who is stuck with the task of motivating a procrastinator, you're in a bit more of a sticky situation. If, say, your son keeps putting off changing the cat's litter, because he'd rather play his electric guitar and worry about kitty litter later, there's a very simple solution. Rather than yelling at him, or even unplugging his guitar, just poke him with a broom for a bit. Let him continue trying to learn "Crazy Train", but just start poking him with a broom handle for a while. Eventually he'll get the point. And if that doesn't work, bring the kitty litter into his room. If he's not going to change it, he can live with the smell.

Hopefully this has opened your eyes to a whole new world of actually getting work done in a timely fashion. Some of us, however, are beyond help, and even now are typing frantically to get this finished by their self-imposed 5:00 pm deadline.

How to be more attractive to women

2007-04-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

Anywhere in your home town, you can find a group of men starting a conversation with those fateful words "Women, huh? Who knows what they want?" And on any online dating site, you can find hundreds of pieces telling you things like "Dress nicely, make eye contact, be polite, show interest, etc." But is that you? Are you the type of guy who is really going to change the way he acts to be more civil and meet women?

You're a catch. Those clothes you wear aren't tattered and ugly; they're "distressed". That Le Car you drive isn't boxy and repulsive, it's "retro". That smell emanating from your body isn't appalling and offensive, it's "musky" and "rugged". And who cares if you still live with your parents, they're totally cool about it. That's the kind of guy you are, and a guy like you needs dating tips catered for your type.

1) Take no pride in your appearance
As we all know, it's not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside that counts, and you need to showcase your inner beauty! What better way to force people to look for your inner beauty than ensuring that you've nothing on the outside to look at? Greasy hair, an unshaven face, stained clothes, a beer belly, sweat stains, and a cloud of noxious odors surrounding you will make sure every woman you talk to looks deep inside of you to take her mind off the horrors on the outside.

2) Never, ever, make eye contact
A little known fact about women is that they hate any indication that you're actually paying attention to them and taking an interest in what they're saying. So keep your eyes wandering. Undress her with your eyes. Look around the bar. Stare at her chest for a while. But whatever you do, do not make eye contact with her, that'll only validate the notion that you might actually be talking to her.

3) Don't let her get a word in edge-wise
You know you're an amazing young fellow with terrific verbal skills, why not showcase that at every possible opportunity? Letting your prospective date say anything at all would only take the spotlight off of your abilities as a sparkling conversationalist. You have to accent your male dominance by controlling every aspect of the conversation, and letting her know who is boss.

4) Don't show any interest in anything she has to say
Everyone has his or her own opinions, right? The only difference between you and all of "them" is that your opinions are valid, and theirs are helplessly misguided. So when you're chatting up a young lady at the bar or at the gym, and by some fluke she's managed to sneak into the conversation and say something, why bother listening? Either she agrees with what you think, and you already know what you think, or she disagrees with you, in which case it's not worth listening to her because she's wrong by default. Keep talking louder and firmer and eventually she'll consent your opinion.

5) Make vulgar and obscene comments about her body / Objectify her
It's a well known fact that women are only good for one thing, so why give them any impression they're worth anything more than that? Any chance you get to comment either positively or negatively about her body, you should take it. Women love it when you, without being prompted, tell them in pornographic detail every fantasy that comes to your head when you see them. If you think a certain one of their bodily aspects is ideal, make sure to let them know. If you think something about their appearance needs improvement, you're completely within your right to bring that to their attention. And be brutal, tough love is the best love.

6) Constantly compare her to other women you've dated
When out on a date, what a woman really wants to know is how she stacks up in comparison to all the other females you've been with. If during an intimate moment she just isn't holding her own in comparison to that one girl you met drunk at a party, be sure to tell her. If she thinks your hair could use a trim, let her know about all the other women who thought it was the sexiest hair they'd ever seen. Make sure she knows that you've dated a lot of attractive women in your time, and she should feel lucky to be out with a stud like you. Criticism is the fastest track to self-improvement.

If you take these tips to heart and apply them as often as needed, you'll find yourself tripping over the women piled up at your feet. Best of luck, and happy hunting!