Coping with an evil twin

Growing up and dealing with family problems can be an interesting and sometimes infuriating experience. If you’ve got siblings around your age, that can complicate things a bit. And if you have a twin, well, that can be pure madness. Some people will tell you there is no closer bond than between twins, and others will go so far as to say that twins have a special, almost psychic connection. Then again, some people think Michael Moore makes documentaries, so it’s hard to tell whom to trust. But all these wonderful perks of being a twin are completely null and void if you’re one of the unfortunate souls whose twin is evil.

Yes, evil twins. They’re not just an easy out for serial-writing anymore. Evil twins are here and they’re a force to be reckoned with. They’re bad, they look just like you, and they’re out to reap the glorious rewards of being evil.

If we’ve learned anything about evil twins from badly written television and cinema, it’s that:

a) You might not know you even have an evil twin
b) Evil twins have a genetic predisposition to complicated and maniacal plans for world domination (as opposed to those simple and level-headed plans for world domination)
c) Evil twins may resent you for a number of reasons, usually involving your parents
d) Evil twins may appear in your town and start doing a number of unsavory deeds that you will inevitably be blamed for
e) Evil twins may have had a horrible disfigurement from birth that caused them to become evil
f) Evil twins may, at the last second, turn good and sacrifice their life to save your own
g) Evil twins usually have a pretty cool back story

So, with that information on the table, you can determine if your twin is, in fact, evil. If your twin seems to be more of a sanctimonious teetotaler, you may want to consider the possibility that you are the evil of the two (or you just might be one of the poor kids who’s parents didn’t have an evil child, in which case, I would suggest you write to your local congressman and ask him to support the Federal Doppelganger Assistant Act).

If you do, in fact, have an evil twin, there are steps that must be taken as soon as possible to prevent any future problems. If you don’t have an evil twin, the rest of this article won’t really apply to you, and you might want to stop reading, and take up a hobby. Bird watching is always nice. And I’ve heard you can make some good money in the trade and sale of rare LPs. There’s a whole world out there for you, and you now know without a shadow of a doubt that your new found leisure activity won’t be ruined by a psychotic evil twin bent on ruining your life.

But I digress, back to those who’s twins congregate with Satan. Evil twins must be dealt with quickly and efficiently, you must strike down their plans for evil-ocity as often as possible, making it very clear that you will not put up with their psychotic shenanigans anymore.

The first thing to do is find out if your evil twin is actively planning an evil endeavor. Most of the time, you can assume that if your twin is alive and breathing, he’s plotting some sort of dirty deed, but it’s always good to double check. Sometimes they take time to pursue other goals, like learning to fly fish, or crocheting. Other times, they might just be sleeping, or on holiday. The best way to do this is to approach your evil twin and say, “Hey Twin-o, what’s crack-a-lackin’? Whatcha doin’? Something evil? I mean, not that I mind...just thought I’d check up, see how things were going.” Any positive response to that question, or any remarks that they will not dignify your query with a response, can more than likely be taken as a confession of guilt.

Once you’ve determined whether or not your twin is, in fact, planning something hideously devilish, you must do everything in your power to stop it. Talk to him/her rationally, try and explain that there are various paths one can go down in life that don’t involve evil. Explain to your twin how releasing a virus that would kill every human being, with the exception of evil twins, would not be the nicest Christmas gift you’ve ever received. You could even try saying “Twinny, I’m not going to let you overthrow the Chinese government.” If these options don’t work, you could always just shoot him/her.

Well there you have it, a quick and simple overview of evil twins, their MOs, and the wait to effectively curb their decisively megalomaniac plans for conquering the human race. If you’ve read through this and thought to yourself “This is complete madness, who would take this seriously”, than it’s obvious your evil twin has already gotten to you.